I’m quiet …
If you’ve been checking in on me you’ll have found nothing much has been said by me for days – just silence …
But in my head – not so much!
I’m thinking and thinking and thinking.
Thing is … on Thursday I received my “Art Doll Quarterly” which is always a joy.
I really enjoy looking at other people’s work – but this particular magazine wasn’t as inspiring as others before it.
I was left questioning myself – a lot!
The thing is – when I started this blog a big part of it was to journal my acceptance that I am indeed an artist.
However, it is evident that recurring thoughts keeps pulling me down – or at least it tries to interfere with my enjoyment, my confidence and therefore my belief in myself as an artist.
What I’m struggling with at the moment is this – I know that I am really really good at copying – I was really good at copying cakes from Debbie Brown, all with her knowledge, accept and encouragement (I wrote to her very early on while on my cake-ride!) and it took a fair bit of time before I ventured out on my own.
And even when I did venture out … it was on orders from people “I’d really like my son to have an airplane cake” – or “my husband loves to brew his own beer” or “The theme is “forget-me-not”" … and I’d think it over for a few days and come up with how to do the cake.
OK – back to the magazine and what happened as I read it – I realized that all the artists featured had to have come up with these art pieces all on their own.
Out of the blue …
Not copying anyone …
Original pieces …
I just wanted to play emu (hide my head in the sand) … I wanted to pack up my “studio” and forget all about being an artist because I just do not know how to do what these guys do.
I’d love to have a piece in that magazine. Something that I had done, thought up all by myself and something the world had never seen before – but I do not know how?
I honestly do not know how to get from taking these great lessons from Marilyn where all I do is copying to becoming me and my own stuff.
My brain is not at all full of hundreds of different ideas – not at all. It is not like I have sculpted heads hidden in my hands – well … that might not be true but I certainly haven’t thought them up and therefore have no idea on how to make them?
When I signed up for the course with Kate Church she told us that she will not be showing us a specific doll that we’ll have to recreate/copy – instead we have to bring an idea on what we want to do – something we have thought about, something that we’d like to do and then she’ll help us “find” the doll – but bottom line is that I have to come up with the idea …
This terrifies me and I just don’t know if I can do it – only time will tell on this one – maybe I’ll come home empty-handed from that workshop?
I’m thinking … thinking … thinking …
And then yesterday I was skyping with my lovely and very supportive bonus-mum who reminded me of the Kitchen Witch … that Miss Kitchy was all mine. That no one told me how to do her, or how once I thought of her I had to make her. It was all me, sitting here, reading a magazine, thinking a thought – and then I was on a roll and excited for a while there – and she was the one who led me on the road to finding Marilyn and now Kate … and I left her … sitting all the way to the back of the table, half-dressed – all alone … forgotten while Gemini and Pandora took over my life.
I’m thinking I might give her another chance. Step back a little and just spend a little time remembering that I am me – I am not just a copy-cat.
I will find my own road, there is room for me – I will learn to find inspiration and come up with my own stuff.
Maybe it is time that I spend a bit of time on Miss Kitchy – just so that I can knock that little devil on the head when he pops up to say “you cannot think up anything original” – I can then tell him “bugger off – I thought up Miss Kitchy, I made her all mine and she is perfect!”.
I’ll let you know how it goes!